It’s no secret, women know sports
They aren’t buying Seahawks jerseys to look fashionable or picking favorite players based off their perfectly sculpted asses.
Oh no, women are genuinely interested in a team’s offensive capabilities or their 4-3 defense or the injuries plaguing their offensive line.
They don’t have time to get men their beers mid-game or fix addicting snacks between quarters, they’re too busy screaming obscenities and tracking fantasy football players and praying to 6 pound baby Jesus that Russell Wilson remains injury free.
And the men, clearly, are having problems adjusting accordingly.
Ladies, never fear.
Sure your man might feel threatened or relative strangers might feel the need to question your football knowledge while sipping their fifth beer at the local sports bar.
In the end, as you already know, it’s all worth it.
So here are five easy-to-follow steps to safeguard your Seattle Seahawks Fandom.
From warding off potential suitors to surviving a figurative dick-measuring contest, you’ll have everything you’ll need to hang with the big boys.
1. ESPN is Your Bible
Let’s face it, the majority of male football fans just regurgitate the latest overplayed statistic courtesy of Sportscenter. Why do you think ESPN looks for beautifully busted women reporters? (Hello Erin Andrews).
If they could find women to report on professional sports sans clothes like the Naked Canadian Weather Woman (NakedNews.com), trust me, they would.
So instead of watching the newest “Real Housewives of Wherethehellever”, watch Sportscenter. DVR “Snooki & JWoww Do Something Stupid” and catch a few hours of the NFL Network.
When the game is on and the men around you inevitably attempt to test your knowledge, you’ll be able to throw up the same statistics they’ve been resting on all week.
2. Know Your Players
Nothing says, “I’m here for the cute guys and couldn’t care less about the game” like commenting on Percy Harvin‘s amazing week 7 performance or attempting to pin point the exact years Earl Thomas ruled over England.
If you have to ask who “Uncle Pete” is, you have no business wearing a Seahawks jersey.
Know who is on the field, who is off, and who can’t come back until week 13 thanks to a torn ligament in his left big toe.
3. Learn The Rules of the Game
Three words, ladies. Terminology. Terminology. Terminology.
There are quarters, not periods. There are third down conversions and turn over on downs and bubble screens.
Of course there are obscure rules that even the commentators stumble over, however the basics, and what defines them, should be as engrained in your vocabulary as their, there and they’re.
You should be able to understand a false start or offsides or what qualifies as ridiculous pass interference. After all, you never know when the referees will go on strike again and another set of replacements will be needed.
Furthermore, understand what qualifies as acceptable spectator etiquette and what does not. You do not yell loudly when the opposing team is on defense. Rule of thumb, if Russell Wilson is holding the ball, you do not speak.
You do, however, scream like Brad Pitt just proposed when the Legion of Boom is on the field.
4. It’s Not About You
Ladies, there’s no doubt you look ravishing in your Richard Sherman threads.
The green and blue beautifully accentuate your skin and the cut of the woman’s jersey highlights all the right curves.
But c’mon now ladies, you aren’t visiting the local sports bar during a Hawks’ game or traveling to Century Link for the season opener, just to be noticed.
High heels aren’t necessary.
I repeat, high heels are not necessary.
Perfectly manicured nails or professionally pinned-up hair or flawless make up will not help our beloved Hawks win. You yelling during the game will.
5. Don’t Pretend
If you don’t know everything about the marvelous game of football, that’s ok. If you are unsure about a specific rule or you aren’t sure who the Michael Robinson AKA Real Mike Rob is and why it’s so fantastic that he’s back on the roster, that’s fine.
Just don’t pretend that you do.
Like the overzealous moron who yells far too loudly in the vain hope of letting everyone know how die-hard a fan he is, or the one-upper d-bag who won’t shut up about his high school football glory days, an obvious fake is just that: obvious.
Learning to love the game is just as fun as loving it, so don’t be afraid to ask questions or observe quietly.
Let’s face it, women can do it all.
They can successfully balance a bustling career and a budding romance while bleeding for seven days and not dying.
And now, they can loudly call themselves a 12th Man.