Listen up, Jack Z
Everybody has an issue with the Seattle Mariners nowadays. Whether it’s a disgruntled fan or an immature neighboring business, we all have opinions about this franchise. Some are a little more extreme than others, but the fact remains that this team is in need of some major changes in the midst of utter mediocrity.
It’s quite apparent that the entire front office needs some pointers on how to fix things. While we all have some suggestions for this team, not many come without a middle finger or some four letter words of encouragement.
That’s where I come in.
Here are my suggestions about how the Mariners can fix this team and bring fans back to Safeco, all in one felt swoop. Be warned, though, I’ve mixed serious and sarcastic reasons…you be the judge on which is legit and which is just frustration on my part.
Not just the roof anymore
The Mariners should change the fences again, but with a twist. Take the technology used on the retractable roof in Safeco and build retractable outfield walls. When the Mariners come up to bat, the fences move in. When the opponents come to bat, the fences move back.
Hire cheerleaders. Smokin’ hot cheerleaders. So when the sports fan is tired of watching the crap on the field, they have something nice to look at for the price of admission.
Hey, it works for other teams, why not Seattle?
Get rid of Eric Wedge and quite possibly Jack Z. While the prospects are panning out at about 50% right now, Wedge has made some pretty bad baseball calls lately that could have very well cost the Mariners games.
Not bunting runners over with 0 and 1 out is not a good look, especially with the power in the lineup spotty at best most times.
Have a fan drawing each game for who will work the 9th inning for the team. That way, the bullpen can’t be on the hook for one of the many blown saves or losses they have quickly managed to pile up.
Also, forget the Hydros and the stupid hats on the big screen: take a page from the Brewers playbook. Instead of their patented sausage races, the Mariners should put together a nightly field consisting of Jesus Montero, The Mariner Moose and a player or fan to be named each night.
Losing costs a lot
Lower the ticket prices. Lower concession prices. Lower parking prices. And for the love of god, lower the beer prices.
Beer is the only way some fans get through an entire game.