AL West Celebrity Death Match: Pujols vs. Hernandez

Everyone Wants To See This One!

In ancient times as two armies came to face each other in battle they would call upon their champion to represent them in a one on one battle to the death.

The A.L. West is primed to be a battle field and in the third week of May the Mariners will call upon their champion, Felix “The King” Hernandez to face Jose Alberto “The Machine” Pujols.

Imagine fans pouring into Safeco field to see these two elite athletes face off against each other.  As they approach field level they see that the field has been converted to a caged wrestling ring with the fate of the game to be decided in a battle to the death between these two superstars.

As Phat… er … Fat Albert enters the ring there in an ominous ring of cheers and jeers as Pujols has earned the right to be both respected and feared.

The announcers voice booms over the stadium introducing the 6’ 3” 230lb Dominator from the Dominican.

Albert Pujols

Pujols has earned the right to be both respected and feared.

The diamond vision screen shows Albert crushing a baseball to dust with his bare hands.

Then in a roar starting from the King’s court that can be heard from the peak of Mt. Rainier, fans go crazy as The King (Felix Hernandez) arrives upon his white steed.

The announcer attempts to talk over the screams of women throwing themselves at Felix as he flips off his royal robes revealing his… um… uniform number.

Eventually the announcer gives up.  But King Felix needs no introduction and the bell rings and although it looks as though he isn’t ready, the 6’ 3” 225 Venezuelan spins around hurling his fist into the face of Albert with super human speed.

Strike one.  The crowd cheers.

Pujols, stumbles back surprised but retaliates with a swing of his own.  He misses but the force of the air alone knocks Felix on his back.

Pujols attempts to run up with a second blow but his pockets are so full of cash that he can hardly walk.

Felix reaches into his pocket revealing an object that makes Pujols reel back in terror.

It is the Cy Young award and in break neck speed Felix flings the award straight at the sluggers head.

Pujols fouls off the Cy Young blow with a parry of the Rookie of the Year on his left hand and the MVP award on his right. 

Felix throws another punch in rapid succession and Pujols tries to block again, but MVP, Hank Aaron, Roberto Clemente, and Lou Gehrig awards start falling all over the ring causing Pujols to trip.

Felix Hernandez

Fans go crazy as The King arrives upon his white steed!

The punch hits its mark.

Strike two. The announcer shouts out – “That will shove the Poo up his Holes”

Pujols comes in from the left and clocks Felix in the gut, Felix reacts by spinning and snagging the Halo off Pujols head revealing his lack of hair.

The crowd screams in laughter.

Pujols is angry and with a shove of his shoulder Felix is smashed into the cage.

Felix recovers and the two lock their eyes.

Each trying to read the other’s mind.

Felix winds up and in throws out his most surprising move yet in releasing a beautiful wild Cardinal.

Pujols goes berserk pulling out a shotgun trying to murder the bird.  While he is distracted Felix goes where few have with the machine… a punch straight down and in.

The slugger’s eyes go wide as the life drains from his eye and he slumps down and melts into a pool of money.

Strike three.  Felix Wins.  If only he would pitch again the next night.


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  • We should rename Felix’s fastball the DDT or The Piledriver

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