Christmas traditions are not logical in the slightest.
Why responsible men and women would put a highly flammable tree in their living room and lie to their kids about a old man watching sleep as being a good thing?
Of course it is the ridiculousness of Christmas that helps us all to maintain a bit of the childhood wonder that we need to stay sane the rest of the year.
It is, of course, the ridiculous nature of believing the impossible that has kept a ball club in Seattle for 35 years.
(I hope Santa poke some holes in some of these packages, after all, some of these gifts would contain living athletes. They tend not to play as well if they can’t breathe.)
In the spirit of the lies that we tell ourselves as fans, here are five thing that the Mariners are hoping to find under their tree this Christmas.
5. The Runs
Over the past decade, the Mariners have resembled the brown mushy stuff that you are thinking of right now. In 2011, Seattle had a 95% (made up statistic) chance of winning if they scored at least four runs. The Mariners are hoping to give their pitchers the runs instead of their fans.
4. Moving Outfield Walls
For many years fans have argued that the M’s need to bring in the fences to encourage more home runs I their home ball park. However, the Mariners are already out homered by their opposition when at home.
The Mariners are hoping that the home field advantage is that the fences move every half inning so that they are a good 25′ further in when they bat than when they pitch. The gift would be that umpires, opposing players and mangers fail to notice.
Maybe by giving them special sunglasses or something.
3. The Figgins Blessing
The Mariners would never want to curse anyone, but I have heard the marketing department talking about selling a voodoo doll that looks a lot like Albert Pujouls at all Mariner fans store locations. (By heard I mean I made that up on the spot).
No, the gift would be to grant the Chone Figgins blessing upon the newly acquired Angels first-baseman.
After all it is better to give than receive right?
2. A Broom
To sweep the world series with of course.
1. The Princess and A Frog
Maybe not the Prince the Mariners think they want… but the frog that turns into a prince. Not one of those normal frogs. That would be stupid.
What would they do with a frog?
That is just nonsense.
I guess what the Mariners really need is a princess to come and kiss random guys until one of them turns out to be a superstar.
Who knows, it could get more fans in the seats.