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Slouch’s Weekend Plays: Free “Expert” Football Handicapping Picks

Saturday Morning Slouch

After the debacle two weeks ago that resulted in a 2-3 record,  a good friend of mine (serial sports bettor), who we will call Joe (great job of protecting one’s identity) called to tell me that my picks had altered his mood, made his stomach turn, and subsequently made him jump off a bridge. (He has quite a flair for the dramtic)

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Here is the transcript from that phone conversation

Joe: Are you out of your mind? The Huskies to cover? Against Oregon? Are you on drugs?

Me: Yes

Joe: LOL…I knew you’ve been punchy (a Coug fan) since junior high, but I at least thought you had common sense. You took the Cougs and +9 and put it on paper!!! (again the flair) Are you drunk?

Me: Always

Joe: Sometimes I don’t get it. You seem like you mean well (I just realized that he talks like a 70 year-old Vegas handicapper), but your out to lunch. (mmm lunch!)

I’ve taught you everything I know about betting, and then boom!!  (again with the flair, but with an Italian mob voice thrown in for good measure )

You take Tony Romo to cover the -11.5 points? I know it’s against the Seahawks, but it’s Tony Romo, not Tony Banks.

(Note: The only other NFL QB named Tony I could come up with was Tony Eason. Because I have no idea who Tony Eason was or is, I went with Tony Banks. It just sounded better.

Come to think of it, Tony is a common  name for a guy. I’m surprised there hasn’t been more NFL QB’s named Tony)

Me: (changing the subject) You want to go grab a beer and get some wings?

Joe: I’m not done talking about this……..Did you say wings? (Nice!!)

While in mid-wing, I was feeling shame. Joe was right. (now who is being dramatic)

How could I have expected Tomo Romo to play god in one afternoon (Tim Tebow does it every week), and cover the spread? I needed some some time to regroup, I was in my own head too much. I mean a 7-8 overall record?

Who did i think I was, the Magnolia Dynamo? Forget about it (Italian mob voice)

Anyway,  after spending a week “healing” with the Pi Beta Phi’s in Pullman :-) (great week), I’m ready to let loose again in the world of football prognostication.

Here are this weeks picks

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Washington -3 vs Oregon State

The Puppies (the Huskies have been completely stripped down and emasculated over the last two weeks) will be able to regain some of it’s swagger back this weekend in Corvalis. Even with Nick (Joe) Montana starting at QB, I don’t see how the Beavs will be able to contain Chris Polk.

Slouch Says: The puppies become the Huskies again. Dawgs -3 straight up.

Utah -6 vs Washington State

I’ve had so many issues with the Cougs this season. From Marshall Lobbestael’s play at QB to that red-headed chick on greek row who wouldn’t demonstrate some of her finer qualities.  But last week Conner Halliday transformed the offense, and now the Cougs are on fire (en fuego for my spanish speaking friends), and now they are a team that can’t lose! (that’s what one win will do to a guy) Slouch Says: Cougs continue their bowl dream. WSU and +6 straight up

Seattle vs St. Louis -3

I’m still in utter shock that the Seahawks won last week. It’s not like Seahawks haven’t won football before, but this team is terrible and shouldn’t have beaten the Ravens. Cappers Picks

I would’ve rather bet on starting a land war in Asia (token Princess Bride Drop) as a better way means of throwing away my money. The Hawks travel this week to mess with those dangerous (2-7) Rams in St. Louis.

This has trap written all over it, but I can’t figure out for which team. Slouch Says: Eh…………Hawks +3

Oakland vs Minnesota -1.5

I like Oakland for some reason. It’s come as a surprise for some because I’ve always detested the Raiders my entire life, but for some reason, which I cannot put my finger on, I like these Raiders. It could be a “new” swagger they have about them, or it could be the same old swagger just laced with Old Spice this time that’s putting a bounce in their step.

In any event, I like these Raiders!!! The Black and Silver have a commitment of….smelling great and looking good in the process! Slouch Says: Raiders and the +1.5

Buffalo vs Miami -1

I know, I know…This is a cheap way to end things. Picking a game on the calendar that is hardly a contest at all. Don’t be upset, we  should look at this match up as a means to pad our own stats. A way to increase your bank roll, and for you also to forget my pick two weeks ago.

See! We both win. Slouch Says: Fear the Buffalo…Wings?…Bills and the +1 

There you are folks five games you can be proud of. Or at the very least five games that should make your bank account look slightly better. The Slouch’s infinite wisdom (gulp) has once again brought you the winning combination for your betting pleasure.

Now kick back your feet, stuff your face full of wings, tip back a beer or two or three, and have a fantastic weekend.

(Bet Now At Bovada.lv (Link Directs You To Bodog.ca If Your In Canada))

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