canucks

NHL Lockout 2012… The Vancouver Canucks get odd jobs

This is it - No hockey

Why Gary Bettman Sucks in ’12 (It’s Da Money)

Nothing to rally over, drink over, and distract us Canucks fans from the impending dark wet winter.

Our lives are over.

The biggest change for players will be the lack of those sweet, sweet paycheques (checks for the Americans joining us today) every couple of weeks that probably total what you or I make in a year or two or five.

Certainly we shouldn’t expect to see the Sedins in line in a soup kitchen anytime soon, but when you have a lot of money you lead a different lifestyle that is predicated on making all that money.

When Alex Burrows and Ryan Kesler get up to hijinx and egg the houses of Milan Lucic and Andrew Ladd’s parents, they don’t have to use Faberge eggs but you know they do.

When the collection plate is passed around every Sunday, Dan Hamhuis and David Booth don’t have to give all the spare $100 bills in their pocket, but they have the faith so you know they do.

With NHL money comes pro athlete lifestyles, and the expectation of continuing that lifestyle and not slumming it in economy class when you fly to Las Vegas which means the longer the lockout goes on, the more desperate hockey players will be to get some, any, incoming revenue.

Canucks

Burrows & Kesler don’t have to use Faberge eggs but you know they do…

Remember that cliche question “If you weren’t a hockey player what would you be doing”?

Well, now’s the time to execute on those answers.

The Sedins

Daniel will get a job as a Henrik impersonator and Henrik will get one as a Daniel impersonator.

Ryan Kesler

Ryan Kesler likes attention. He likes the camera, whether it’s supposed to be on him or not. So this one is easy. He’ll focus on his RK17 clothing lineand model the ever-loving @#!% out of it.

Alex Burrows & Maxim Lapierre

To ask Dale Gribble, to exterminate a pest you must first understand the pest. So if you suffer from bed bugs, cockroaches, fire ants, or anything that has an exoskeleton and more than four legs, call up Alex & Max, the fast-talking Frenchies, to get rid of your bug problem today.

If you’ve been drenched in GC-161, call Alex Mack.

Keith Ballard

Speaking of doing what you know, who’s a better expert on doghouses than Keith Ballard? Keith brings such dedication to his craft that he personally inspects every dog house he sells, even if they suspiciously look like hockey bags.

Your dog will flip over his new home and you’ll feel like you hit a home run.

Roberto Luongo

Mason Raymond

Here’s to May-Ray’s career as a short-track speed-skater.

Well, professional poker obviously.

Kevin Bieksa

The juice market is so saturated these days (sorry), but name recognition should help propel Bieksa’s new business venture to the top of the market.

Just stay away from the Ham Juice variety.

Mason Raymond

He can skate and he can fall, so here’s to his career as a short-track speed-skater.

Manny Malhotra

If he can use his wife to get into a practice with the Whitecaps and not look out of place, surely a contract wouldn’t be too hard to procure.

Jason Garrison

Coming to theatres this Christmas, Jason Garrison IS Johnny Canuck.

Dan Hamhuis

When asked if he was a hipster, Dan said yes, but I don’t think it means what he thinks it means. I don’t know what type of job he’ll have as a hipster, but has anyone yet figured out what hipsters do for money?

Cory Schneider

Have you seen those impressions? There may be no Hockey Night in Canada, but Schneider can still be seen every Saturday on SNL.

David Booth

Hunting. All day. In the remote woods. Where twitter is unavailable.

Chris Higgins

Higgins comes from a family of firefighters and has the abs to pose for the charity calendar…

Chris Higgins

Well he comes from a family of firefighters and has the abs to pose for the charity calendar to boot.

Alex Edler

In a library probably.

Chris Tanev

If you’re looking for Chris this lockout, he’ll be out back at Rogers Arena enjoying a cigarette until this whole thing blows over.

Jannik Hansen

Somewhere a community theatre is putting on a production of The Muppets and they need a Beaker.

Dale Weise

Totally not looking forward to getting a real job.

Check back in a few days when we fast-forward to 2013 and desperation kicks in.

When the Sedins have to buy their swedish meatballs on layaway, what levels will they sink to to survive?

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About Richard Hodges

A proud Vancouverite with a lifelong passion for the home teams that some would classify as pointless and disturbing. Now realizes that The Linden Tree is not the play you think it would be.
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