Vancouver Canucks Birthday Presents: Cory Schneider

Does Whatever a Schneiderman Does

When Cory Schneider was born on March 18, 1986 in Marblehead, Massachusetts, he had no idea that by age 26, he’d be part of a rivalry so intense against his childhood favourite Bruins.

Sadly for Cory, he likely isn’t going to be a part of that rivalry for much longer. He will be shipped out after this season is over, prior to or at the NHL Entry Draft.

If Gillis can’t even do that, well then he should’ve just been traded at the trade deadline in February.

Anyhow, it is his 26th Birthday this Sunday and what better way for me to give back than by suggesting gifts for everybody to get him?

Here are the Top 5 Gifts for Cory Schneider’s 26th Birthday:

Something to Sit On

As mentioned in my Canucks and BJ’s Game Preview, Cory Schneider can expect a lot of sitting this post-season. Roberto Luongo will be the starter in Rounds 1 through 4 should the Canucks make it that far and barring injury.

lazyboy cory schneider canucks birthday presents

Power Reclining = WIN

Since Schneidz is going to sign a brand new multi-million dollar contract this summer somewhere, he can probably afford a nice La-Z-Boy. Now I’m not talking about a chair for his home; I’m talking on the bench.

Sadly, I have no photoshop or photoshop skills so you’ll just have to use your good ol’ imagination for this one, but if Cory is able to chill and stay as comfortable as possible on the bench, he’ll be perfectly prepared to come in should said injury occur.

I even found this one that has power reclining capabilities and it’s called the Journey; very fitting for a long Stanley Cup run and that journey from the dressing room to the bench.

New Mask Designs

He isn’t going to be in Vancouver come September so why pretend any longer. Let’s get everyone to send him some new mask designs.

The keys here are what he likes on his masks. He seems to really love the vintage look and also mooses/meese.

So what are the teams he’s been rumoured to be going to the most? First off, we have Tampa Bay, so maybe a little Darren Puppa action is necessary. Puppa wore 93 in T-Bay and on his mask was a dragon. Cory could make that work; maybe give the dragon a moosehead.

How about Columbus? I recommend the Martin Prusek route. The design is really simple; nothing + a Blue Jackets sticker on the side. Pure vintage right there.

The Rob Schneider Collection

Who doesn’t love Rob Schneider? This gift is an easy choice because of the last name…duh!

Seriously though, Cory can watch these movies as he is driving or flying to his new team’s city in his private jet.

“Uh, Captain, can you circle for half an hour? He’s just about to get his gigolo on.”

Other titles include Grownups, The Hot Chick, The Animal and pretty much every Adam Sandler movie.

Reading Material

You’ve probably noticed a trend through all these gifts and that is that all these gifts are not only Birthday worthy but Going Away worthy.

cory schneider

Kinda creepy!

We’ve got the film side of things covered; how about some paperbackage?

A Cage of Butterflies in a young adult novel published in 1993 by Aussie author Brian Caswell.

Fitting because Cory plays the butterfly style of goaltending but also because of the plot line. You see, there’s this group of teenagers who call themselves the Think Tank (Gillis and Vee). They do research on these telepathic kids (the teen gingers) and when the gingers contact the Think Tank through the power of their minds, they trick them into letting one of them go.

The title is such because the telepathic kids are caged like butterflies, much like how Cory Schneider is trapped in Vancouver behind Luongo.

That’s probably not a publish worthy synopsis but you can just take my word for it. Don’t bother wiki’ing it. Please.

A Gift from Coach Vee

Alain Vigneault has a lot to be thankful for when it comes to red heads and I don’t just mean the Sedins.

I’ve said in the past I think Vigneault’s success with this team comes down to more than just his skill as a coach. He’s coaching All-Stars and guys who are in the prime of their careers.

Cory Schneider hasn’t reached his prime and he really hasn’t even had a chance to show what he can do over a whole season as starter but he has contributed to the Canucks’ success over the last two years as much as anyone.

I propose Coach Vee purchase Schneiderman the customary golf trip that guys who retire or have their numbers retired seem to get.

The trip will be for a golf course in the first city the Canucks meet Schneider with his new team. This is so Vigneault can go with Cory for a round of golf, hence giving Cory a chance to really prove how much better he is than his former head coach.

Happy Birthday Cory. Happy Trails, wherever they may take you.

Birthday Presents: Marc-Andre Gragnani

Birthday Presents: Jannik Hansen


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  • I hope Cory can get comfortable on the bench during the playoffs this season, but I fear Roberto Luongo might need a seat of his own at some point. Gillis better be able to get proper value in the summer. 

  • Pretty sure if you give Cory Schneider a collection of Rob Schneider movies he goes full Hodgson and demands a trade. 

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