Canuck(s) Nation [which one is it?] is on the edge of its collective seat right now wondering what in the name of Luongod Thursday’s noon press conference starring Michael D. Gillis could be about.
The mystery around the contents of said presser is so dense and dare I say dark that we felt compelled to make some educated guesses as to what it may just be.
Zack Kassian’s trip to the barber
The Canucks just got swept in the first round and could the Kassassin’s musty mullet have had something to do with it? We think so which is why it remains a possibility that when Thursday’s lunch hour rolls around, Gilly may just be announcing Zack Attack’s trip to the local MagiCuts (You’re welcome for the free advertising MagiCuts; keep up the good work).
That thing growing on the back of Zack’s head was nowhere near as successful as the circa early-90’s Jagr duster and it certainly never scored a Stanley Cup winning goal in OT à la Patrick Kane but i’ll give it a semi-impressive rating.
Perhaps it can one day live up to Marty McSorley standards…without, ya know, a different type of chop to the head. Too soon?
Nonetheless, it’s about time Mikey finally made the executive decision everyone’s been waiting for and crop that mop top.
Enter Peter Andersson
Who the hell is Peter Andersson you ask?
He’s only Mike Gillis’ 2009 5th round, 143rd overall draft pick of course.
We figure tomorrow Mikey G might do the unthinkable and exile Peter to Sweden and Finland where he must beg the Swedish team’s coaching staff to allow him on their World Championship team. Gillis’ logic for this would be to play alongside the twins and Alex Edler.
After all, Andersson is the next coming of Nicklas Lidstrӧm.
Andersson will not be in attendance at the press conference Thursday and he will find out about this course of action while watching Sportsnet on The Score. He’ll be confused by the former and then perplexed by the latter and finally get his balls together to call Gilly M and discuss.
“Either do it or be traded to Buffalo,” says future Gillis.
“I’m firing the Aquilini’s!”
*crickets in the Norm Jewison media room*
“Wait…I can’t do that?”
Gilliban the refs
Many are saying the Vancouver Canucks didn’t lose the series and get swept by the Sharks just because of the botched calls in Game 4 and those who are saying that are probably half right. The Canucks likely wouldn’t have been swept if it weren’t for the zebras but there’s no doubt they were the inferior team from the get-go.
That said, it’s my own personal opinion (because you care about that) the refs were actually inferior to the Canucks in Games 1 through 4, at least in terms of performing the skills they’ve been trained to do so correctly.
“Henceforth it shall be known,” says Gillis, “that no referee of any kind will ever be allowed to officiate another Vancouver Canucks game until the end of time.
After much deliberation alongside Francesco Aquilini, we have decided to hire the baby giraffe that died at the local zoo recently and a murder of crows from the Georgia Viaduct to call all games at Rogers Arena forever more, forever more.”
An ‘I Quit’ match
WWE’s latest PPV event is coming up in just 11 days and Mike ‘I Breathe Through My’ Gillis will be on hand Thursday to announce his career will be on the line in an ‘I Quit’ match against Alain Vigneault.
The premise of an ‘I Quit’ match is that the two opponents must beat the pulp out of each other until the other says, “I quit,” usually into a microphone.
There are no pin-falls, tap-outs or disqualifications. It’s more or less a no holds barred slugfest upon which the loser not only admits inferiority, but loses his job.
The match goes forward with Mike the Gillistener taking the victory but only before Vince McMahon comes out and fires him from the Canucks on behalf of Francesco Aquilini anyway because Mike refuses to kiss Vince’s ass.
That’s Booker T for, “Do you follow?
I’ll tell you what doesn’t follow Thursday’s press conference with Michael D. Gillis and that’s another day on the job for Alain Vigneault.
Tell us in the comments section what you think the presser may be regarding!!!