NHL Lockout 2012… The Vancouver Canucks resort to “desperation” jobs

Part 2: Is it time to panic?

Initial predictions for the lockout were that we’d see an NBA-style 60 game season starting sometime before the Winter Classic. Surely, they wouldn’t cancel the Winter Classic.

Well, things are taking a turn for the dark, with players like Danny Cleary predicting a lockout of a year, maybe more.

There seems to be no progress in negotiations, when they do take place. The owners and players are still trying to agree on a definition of what constitutes HRR, nevermind getting into how to divide it.

We lost an entire season in 2004 only after the NHLPA crumbled and caved. They don’t seem to want to repeat that slow death this time, and Donald Fehr is too proud and arrogant to lose this battle.

Bettman is still Bettman.

So desperation is definitely starting to set in.

Last week we looked at the odd jobs the Canucks would be getting to offset the loss of their sweet sweet wages.

Those were ideal jobs

Sometimes, as labour disputes drag on, you don’t get your ideal jobs.

Alex Burrows

Desperation is definitely starting to set in

When my father was locked out some 10 years ago, he got jobs as a phone book delivery man, a mall surveyor, and worked at a bottle depot.

I don’t think these were dream jobs.

So if doomsday hits and we start talking about the lockout in terms of another year, or two, what will these poor Canucks players do to put food on their solid-oak tables?

Ryan Kesler

Previously we had

Ryan Kesler modelling his RK17 line. Knowing that infamous Sports Illustrated photo, when times are tough can he say no to the cheque from Playgirl?

Alex Burrows

When starvation hits, Burrows will be taking bites into just about anything.

Chris Higgins

Will show abs for money.

Manny Malhotra

Is it demeaning to put on a pirate’s hat, pick up a parrot, and entertain at children’s parties? Probably, but it pays the bills.

Andrew Alberts

May have to be put out to pasture.

Mason Raymond

Breaks the gender barrier in roller-derby, still gets ass kicked.

Henrik & Daniel

To save costs, they contract into one human being.

Maxim Lapierre

He’s a gypsy now.

Roberto Luongo

Just kinda runs around the seawall in a continuous loop.

#2. Kesler Posing

When times are tough can he say no to the cheque from Playgirl?

Cory Schneider

Laments that with no hockey, all he has to fall back on is his fancy business degree from a prestigious college.

Zack Kassian

Is cut loose to roam wild, becomes feral.

Jannik Hansen

Nothing, doesn’t give a s***.

Kevin Bieksa

A series of unfortunate open mic appearances at Yuk Yuk’s.

Jason Garrison

Is forced to always hang out with his stupid parents in White Rock who won’t even let him change the radio station in the car.

Dan Hamhuis

Forced to scale back his charitable donations to a mere $5,000 a year.

Alex Edler

Decides to take a nap until the lockout is over.

David Booth

Will give his kid’s barnyard animals sound toy a spin and whatever animal it lands he will hunt to extinction.

Keith Ballard

Starting to realize with no hockey, he’s happier than he’s ever been.


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About Richard Hodges

A proud Vancouverite with a lifelong passion for the home teams that some would classify as pointless and disturbing. Now realizes that The Linden Tree is not the play you think it would be.
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