Vancouver Canucks Chris Higgins’ Unplanned Hand Injury

Mystery Predictions

News broke last night that the Vancouver Canucks Chris Higgins wasn’t flying to San Jose with the team because of a mysterious hand infection possibly related to the staph infection in his foot earlier this season.

His hand, much like the Grinch’s heart, is now three sizes bigger.

It was a frustrating piece of news for Canucks fans, who have been enjoying the winger’s Renaissance year, but frustrating even more so for Chris Higgins who is fast approaching Sami Salo levels of injury absurdity.

Luckily, I specialise in speculative medicine and can predict Chris Higgin’s next five injuries.

Some of these may sound absurd but remember, I’m a doctor and you’re not, so really questioning me is the true absurdity.

1. Elephantiasis

First, the swelling of his foot and now his hand has only one possible conclusion. Full blown Ken Griffey Jr levels of elephantiasis.

Knowing the Canucks’ luck, this will occur on the day of the most important game of the year at the same time that Luongo is kicked off the team for his sideburns, Kesler is felled in a pub fight, and Burrows is busy saving a family’s house on fire (en espanol!).

But of course that will never happen. Three misfortunes, that’s possible. Seven misfortunates, there’s an outside chance. But nine misfortunes? I’d like to see that!

2. Abs

The other danger for Higgins is the infection spreads to his beautiful beautiful objectively-nice-in-a-completely-hetereonormative-way abs.

As Ryan Kesler has proved, today’s modern hockey player needs to be able to have a big body presence both on and off the ice, especially in a market dominated by young girls with tumblrs.

A nasty swelling of his stomach, not unlike what we all go through during the holidays, threatens his position on the team’s sexy-dary scoring line, especially with the dreamy David Booth set to return in a week or so.

3. Snakes

We mentioned Sami Salo earlier, but I cannot stress this enough. KEEP SAMI SALO AWAY FROM CHRIS HIGGINS.

If the injury bug is contagious, and my initial research has come back “inconclusive – ask for more funding”, then Sami Salo is patient zero.

This is a man who managed to get bit by one of the half dozen snakes in Finland who are poisonous. Not one of the half dozen species, one of the half dozen SNAKES.

Chris Higgins Hand Injury

Top 5 Predictions for the next injury to effect Canucks forward Chris Higgins!

Clearly he possesses some kind of gypsy curse, and clearly that is the last thing Chris Higgins needs right now.

If he begins to talk like Brad Pitt in Snatch then it is already too late.

4. Mesh

I had this dream last night that my elderly aunt was doing backflips on a trampoline and broke her knee when her left leg punched a hole through the meshy bouncy part (no joke).

This must be a sign of imminent danger to Chris Higgins (also what the hell does that dream mean?).

5. Consitency

Finally, Chris Higgins has probably been the most consistent forward this year.

I looked up consistency on Wikipedia just now and got treated to this.

  1. The following are equivalent:
    1. IncΦ
    2. For all \phi,\; \Phi \vdash \phi.
  2. Every satisfiable set of formulas is consistent, where a set of formulas Φ is satisfiable if and only if there exists a model \mathfrak{I} such that \mathfrak{I} \vDash \Phi .
  3. For all Φ and ϕ:
    1. if not  \Phi \vdash \phi, then Con \Phi \cup \{\lnot\phi\};
    2. if Con Φ and \Phi \vdash \phi, then Con \Phi \cup \{\phi\};
    3. if Con Φ, then Con \Phi \cup \{\phi\} or Con \Phi \cup \{\lnot \phi\}.
  4. Let Φ be a maximally consistent set of formulas and contain witnesses. For all ϕ and ψ:
    1. if  \Phi \vdash \phi, then \phi \in \Phi,
    2. either \phi \in \Phi or \lnot \phi \in \Phi,
    3. (\phi \or \psi) \in \Phi if and only if \phi \in \Phi or \psi \in \Phi,
    4. if (\phi\to\psi) \in \Phi and \phi \in \Phi , then \psi \in \Phi,

    5. \exists x \phi \in \Phi if and only if there is a term t such that \phi{t \over x}\in\Phi.

It broke my brain.

If Chris Higgins ever reads it, it will break his brain too.

There is a good chance I just broke your brain by sharing it.

I am sorry.


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About Richard Hodges

A proud Vancouverite with a lifelong passion for the home teams that some would classify as pointless and disturbing. Now realizes that The Linden Tree is not the play you think it would be.
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  • This was pretty funny. I LOL’d at the part about girls with tumblrs 😛

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